Looking back at a year

1 year ago today Jaret was born still and I was fighting sickness. I can't believe it has actually been a year now. My heart is still broken and raw, although the pain has gotten less and life does move forward. Looking back I see that my little boy made the ultimate sacrifice. He sacrificed himself for his mom and his 2 younger brothers. Because of his sacrifice the 3 of us are here. It doesn't make things any easier, but I know that God has a plan in all of this and i see some of it now.

Not what i wanted to hear...

So after 3 weeks of strict bedrest, i saw my dr again and while im sure it couldve been worse, i definitely didnt hear what i wanted to. Babies are all healthy and great, however my cervix is all soft and James is pushing up against it pretty bad. While im not all dilated or anything, my dr is concerned and fears that if i do start going into labor, she doesnt think they will be able to stop it. Sooo, i need to be even more careful, if i have signs of labor i have to go straight to st vincents, since im still too early to deliver at meridian park. I had to start the steroid shots tonight, which definitely doesnt feel good, but if the lil guys show up soon it will help em out big time. I hopefully will find out the result of my ffn test in the am to see chances of boys showing up in the next week or 2.

Quite honestly i'm a nervous mess right now. The boys could show up any day if they really want to, or they could hold out and i have to be induced. I feel like everything is up in the air. The fact that both jas and my parents are outta town all next week has me even more nervous. I am so ready to be done, but i pray these boys make it a couple more weeks. Ugh...Sanity check?

The stupidity amazes me

We just dealt with a house-guest situation that turned out pretty bad. My husband has a soft spot of helping out friends in need, and thats why we ended up with the extra person in the house a year ago. Needless to say, he didn't hold up to his end of the bargain and became a serious mooch, adding more stress to our life. After a couple altercations between him and jas recently, and then a final straw over last weekend when we came back after being gone a couple days, Jas had finally had enough and monday had given him a 2 week notice.

Tuesday evening jas went down into the garage to check on his status, and he pulled the "i'm going to pretend you're not there so you'll go away." That obviously didnt go over well with jas and he turned the computer monitor to get his attention. Our mooch grabbed jas, who fell over on him, and then he started choking jas. When jas got him off, he told our mooch to leave or he would call the cops to have him removed. The mooch then picked up the phone and dialed 911 himself to report a domestic dispute. Real smart move on his part since he's the one that assaulted jas, not the other way around....duh.... 3 cops arrived shortly and tried to sort out the situation. With the lovely marks around jas's neck, jas could've pressed charges for both assault and attempted murder, but that would be adding more to a situation than we wanted. In the end the cops watched him as he packed up a bag, jas made an arrangement what hours he could come get the rest of his stuff, and he left.

Wednesday we heard nothing from him, so jas called his dad to see if he had heard from the mooch and wanted to work out getting his stuff outta our house, his dad never called us back. Thursday jas called his sister, and apparently he was already outta the state and had flown down to stay with her. She said he wanted his computer and his documents (what kinda moron leaves important documents like ss card, birth certificate etc) and he would sign over the title to his pos to let a tow company take and give us a couple bucks for shipping his stuff odwn. I can assure you that the $100 they said the towing company would give us wouldnt cover the shipping. Not to mention we are now stuck with all the other crap he left behind, cleaning it up. Who knows what exactly he told his family, but apparently he was playing the victim card and his family via email is trying to sound intelligent and square away this situation with jas when they are only making themselves look like morons. Its quite humorous actually. The more we have been finding out over the last few days, the more jas and i felt stupid over believing this guy, when it appears he instigates this kinda crap. It also makes us realize how much of a dumbass HE is in how he has handled things and is definitely not putting himself in a better situation. We'll see what happens...

Little Angels

Its been a couple days shy of 10 months since Jaret died and i'll admit the pain is still very there. I've been blessed to be in contact with ladies that have also lost their lil ones, some even more recently than us. One lady posted a poem that hit me right in the heart and i wanted to share it:

Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question the Wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child,
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold,
so He picks a rosebud before it can grow.
God knows how much we need them
and so He takes but few,
to make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult,
still somehow we must try,
the saddest work mankind knows
will always be 'good-bye.'
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind,
must realize God loves children........
Angels are hard to find

You'd think i'd have more time to blog...

So i've made it to June. 29 weeks along and the boys are still cookin, but apparently not without some protest. Ended up in the hospital at week 27 due to contractions and feelin like something wasnt right. Come to find out i was already about 1 cm dilated according to the dr, so i got hooked up to ivs, given a shot of terbutaline, and spent a good 5 hours in the hospital until i was released home. I am now officially on strict bedrest (i can get up for a shower and the bathroom). Almost 2 weeks into this and im going nuts! I can feel my body deteriorating, i cant get comfortable, i feel useless, and while i want these boys to cook, i just want this all to be over. At my 28 week appt i was measuring 39 weeks along for a woman prego with a singleton. Yikes! James was measuring in about 2lb 9 oz, and Jonathan at 3lbs, so they definitely good sized lil boys! My big goal right now is to make it to week 32, then week 35. After that i feel like anything is fair game. No one thinks i will make it to week 38 when i would end up being induced, but just watch and thats exactly whats going to happen simply because no one thinks it will. Now if i could just keep myself from going nuts for the next 6 or so weeks...

Still Cookin'

Tuesday i'll officially be 23 weeks. I've past the point where I was when Jaret died. I feel like i can slowly start breathing, but i'll admit i'll be anxious until my next appt on thursday when i can see them both and make sure they're ok. For me, i think the next big milestone is week 26 when they get to open they're eyes and they're chances of survival start jumping up.

My belly is now bigger than it was when i had Julianna and continues to grow at the rate of a weed. You can tell when the boys hit a growth spurt cause i swear within 24 hours there is a noticable difference in the size of my belly. I feel like in a couple weeks i'm going to basically be stuck in a chair throughout the day, oy! Keep moving forward right?

The Blue Team Won Out!

So we had our big ultrasound last Thursday and I was shockingly wrong in my prediction for one of each. We are having two very proud little boys apparently. They are still transverse and seem to be content to stay that way, so we'll see what they decide. I had asked my dr how big they were (i had read that on average, they should be about 7 oz a piece by now) and she informed me that they are 11 oz each! Yikes! Not little guys! So we are officially the blue team now. Julianna said that she is moving down to gramma's house now and Justin about blasted through the roof with excitement to have 2 little brothers. I must admit that Jas is pretty darn happy with himself as well. I'm terrified quite honestly, but not as terrified as i would be if it were 2 girls. Boys you just have to keep alive right? They are still thinkin fraternal, but the only way we will end up knowing for sure is if they look very different, or if we do dna testing. Even if they are fraternal, chances are they will probably look pretty darn close since jas and i have such similar coloring. We'll see! The excitement never ends.

Only halfway?!

On Tuesday I will be 19 weeks, officially at least halfway there since we know i cant go past week 38. My belly is now growing so fast i think i can actually watch it grow. I look down and am terrified that in probably another week, maybe 2, i will be about the size i was when i had Julianna. I know in the past i was never a big prego lady, but seriously, the thought terrifies me! It probably doesnt help that i've made the mistake of seeing what ladies prego with twins look like by the time they are born.

I'm already hobbling around and its tough just getting around between back pain and belly pain. My lovely surgery site becomes excruciatingly painful due to the mesh pulling against muscle, oh joy! I keep hearing that i will forget it all when i see there faces and i know that's true to an extent, but i keep asking myself how i will make it TO that point. It'll be interesting to see how far i make it before i'm officially on bedrest. As of right now i'm scheduled to work through the end of april at least, we'll see on that one. Right now my goal is to make it to my appt thursday, then the next goal is to make it past week 22. We'll move forward from there right?

Tales from the knife shop: sword people

As one can imagine, we get all sorts of fun people in the shop. I've noticed that you really can tell a lot about a person by how they respond/react when they see the wall of swords. People tend to fall into a few categories that really help how you respond in kind:

The sword dorks: For the most part these people consist of nerds that have no life outside of their D&D games and the fantasy world they have created. They immediately gravitate towards the fantasy swords (ie the "sword of darkness" that we all refer to as the "sword of dorkness") that have no place in the real world, are dull as all getup, and look tacky almost anywhere. They talk your ear off about everything from correct elven dialects to their level 300 MUDD character or whatnot. They're harmless but annoying and never go for the truly sharp swords.

The sword geeks: Not to be confused with the sword dorks, the sword geeks actually pay attention to the more historical swords. They know some semblance of history, unfortunately they think they know it all when most of their knowledge comes from movies like braveheart etc. No, people did not actually swing claymores around like in the movie (if you handled one u would know), they are anti-cavalry weapons. In this category we also put re-enactors who carry swords to sca events etc. They will stand there trying to wow you with their "knowledge" of swords which half the time leads to a good laugh as to their real ignorance. Unfortunately many of these tend to go for the sharper swords when half of them you wouldn't trust with a plastic sword.

The sword collectors: These people enjoy swords. While not everyone in this category actually owns them, they have the same mentality and those that do buy them generally put them on their wall. Some actually know a good thing or two about what they are holding/buying, while others know nothing but enjoy them anyway. They have enough understanding to realize that most of our swords are still extremely dangerous and respect that. They generally stick to the real/historical swords.

The annoying kids: They know absolutely nothing about sharp pointy things and talk about how cool it would be to buy one to swing around etc. They are generally under the age of 25, although you get the occasional older person that falls into this category. They are one of the scarier types as they always ask which one is sharpest.

The unsuspecting joe: These people are generally parents that have their jaws drop open when they see we actually carry real swords. They ask who on earth would actually buy such a thing, why would you own something like that, and that they just flat out look scary. Some end up fascinated, while others quickly walk away from that part of the shop shooing their kids away.

Most people tend to fall into one of those categories, although there is always the exception to every rule. Which category they fall in affects my response to each person in kind obviously. Those that fall into the "you shouldn't even be looking at something sharp and pointy" tend to get a very special response actually. I always point out our celtic man sword that is smaller and really not very intimidating looking. I call them over and show them my lovely large red scar on my thumb and inform them of the fact that i no longer have any feeling in that finger due to a very minor incident with that seemingly harmless, yet extremely dangerous and sharp sword. Most people tend to then shudder and back up, leading me to know that i've done some good and kept someone from being stupid. Not everyone listens, but at least i try. Which category do you think you fall into?

How Twins are made

I thought this was too perfect! For all those wondering how twins are actually made:

And of course...the twins

Twin "b" is the top picture and twin "a" is the bottom picture. They're turned a bit away so u cant get a good look at their faces but you can see their little arms and legs.

The shock of the twins has slowly worn off and regardless of the state of things, i'm starting to get really excited. I just need to make it past the stage i'm in. At almost 11 weeks, I am puking my guts out basically every day, which doesnt help considering its tax season, so i'm not just working at the shop and doing my seamstressing, but working in the office too. I know i was sick with Justin & Jaret, but nothing compared to this. Twice the hormones, twice the sicky and unfortunately NOTHING helps, not even my zappy band. I past the climax of hormones supposedly, so hopefully i'll finally be getting better from here.

Regardless of the puking and loss of weight linked to that, i am already growing like a blimp, its insane! I've already got a bit of a belly and i don't doubt that in a few weeks i will surpass my sister who is 6 weeks further along than me. Jason keeps talking about how he wants to paint my belly...riiiiight. The kids are really excited and have been such a help. As you can guess, they both hope there is one of each for them to play with. I don't doubt there probably is as it feels like my body is fighting itself with symptoms i've had both when pregnant with boy and girl. I was in the dr on monday and i'll admit its fun being able to get an ultrasound each time. They both have grown so much and are doing really well and wiggling around. So far so good. Lets just pray it stays that way!

Other matters of business

January has been quite a start to 2009 so far. After the shock of finding out about the twins, Jason was laid off from his work on the 16th to the shock of many. Whats ironic is that their layoffs are linked to the election, not the economy. They rely on government contracts (steel for the fence border, and armor for our military vehicles etc) so when obama was elected, all government contracts relating to that were cancelled. As much as people hate war, thats what brought us through tough times in the past, war is good business and brings us work. People forget that. OSM has laid off over half their employees within 2 months and those that are still there are now making less than Jason will be making on unemployment due to so many paycuts, so its probably a blessing for us in disguise.

Its interesting how one year ago my life was finally settling down, we were taking a breath and moving full steam ahead. Now we are living life day to day, praying for some miracle to keep a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food in our bellies. Jason is still in the running for the big job he applied for in october so we pray that works out. After hundreds and hundreds of applicants originally applied and various cuts along the way, about 400 made it to the test in december, and now its down to just over 100 people for 30 jobs. All we can do now is wait and pray. Life will move on, we will continue to survive. The state of the world aint pretty, but we are fighters.

Speaking of cats

Loki is still trying to figure out she is getting too big for the top of the couch

It has long been a debate in my house as to the sanity of our animals. Do crazy animals naturally gravitate towards us, or do they become crazy after living with us? We have a 7 year old 130 lb newfoundland that hops around thinking she's part bunny rabbit, a rabbit that beats up one of our cats and has a "coke" problem, chickens that think they're geese, and the cats....well...the cats are a story in and of themselves:

Cat #1: Sydney, our woodhcuck. Sydney was a rescue cat like pretty much all our other animals. Jason swore he hated cats, but let Justin bring her home anyway. We were warned when we got her that she was a bit odd for a calico. She's the most normal of the cats, as she likes to hunt outside and definitely has very catlike moments. She has a penchant for belly rubs and concrete ("love the concrete, oh love the concrete!") and is known for falling off cars and other high things she tries to love. It was recently pointed out to us that it is not normal for a cat to follow you all the way to school, wait patiently for you to come out, and follow you back home. Apparently that's a trait of dogs, not cats. We love our sydney woodchuck.

Cat #2: Loki, our alien. Loki was found at about 2-3 weeks old chasing cranes at Jason's work. He brought the tiny 2 lb emaciated kitten home and she never left. Loki is now our biggest cat weighing in over 15 lbs, unfortunately she doesnt realize that and is terrified of everything. She never learned how to properly meow, so depending on her mood, she sounds like either a high pitched telephone "briiing" or a toyota prius "meepmeep." She has a terrible addiction to airsoft bbs (her only true love in life), eats whip cream out of the can, and becomes a musical instrument when holding her properly with all the funny high pitched noises she makes. She is fully an indoor cat, but every so often she makes a break for the great outdoors, gets about 2 feet from the door, then stops petrified and waits for someone to bring her back into the safety of the house.

Cat #3: Trooper, our dog. Jason brought trooper home as a kitten as well, this time from the adoption place we got sydney. He's the runt of the bunch, yet has the lowest and loudest meow, and dumb as a doornail. He has jumped into the oven while turned on, stuck his face into the flame of our stove, among other brilliant stunts. He also tries to hang out outside, but with the IQ rating of celery, we don't trust him outside and quickly grab a laser pointer or fishing pole to reel him back in the house. He also has about a 10 second memory, so he cant seem to retain new knowledge and constantly gets beaten up by the rabbit. He's definitely our "special ed" cat.

So we continue to ask ourselves, have we turned our animals psycho or do the psycho gravitate towards us? I think its a little bit of both, but i'm not complaining. After all, not everyone can say their cat sounds like a toyota prius!

The cats are outta the bag

So I made it through December. It was a very tough and emotional month, but I made it. I'll admit to my benefit though, my focus ended up getting shifted a bit. As life would have it, a week before Jaret's due date I found out i was prego yet again, this time due August 25 (a little over a week after the 1 year anniversary of Jaret's death). Jason kept harassing me with the "fact" that we were obviously having twins (a boy AND a girl), which i laughed off since in the history of my family, twins have never happened. We decided to keep completely silent on the whole baby matter until i was a lot farther along....and then i had my first appt that changed everything...

I had an early ultrasound done this week just to make sure everything was ok and put everyone's mind at ease considering what happened this summer. After going into the ultrasound room half an hour late, i lay on the table and wait to see the first pictures of our little one. I look up at the screen as she puts the wand on my belly and jason blurts out "THERE'S TWO PEANUTS! I TOLD YOU SO!" The tech laughs and congratulates us on our upcoming twins. I think i went a whiter shade of pale at that point. After all, look back 300 years of my family and there are NO twins! NONE! These lil ones we can tell are fraternal because they they have their own very distinct lil sacs etc according to the tech. My dr informed me that they don't like to go past week 38, so the twins will be born by august 10 it looks like.

Well, that explains the fact that I'm more sick than i've ever been and my pants are getting too tight too soon. Needless to say keepin that one a secret wasn't going to happen. I think the members of my family either thought i was joking or wanted to die when i told them. This is gonna be fun! I'm gonna be a whale! lol