mom vs son round 584

I have spent most of the 5 years of my son's life in a mind game. thought I would share the latest amusing Justin moment that happened last night as I was trying to get him to stay in bed:

(me in bonus room, justin in his room)
Justin: Mom, don't you want me to be happy?
Me: Yes, now go to sleep.
Justin: but mom, if you want me to be happy, i need my tank transformer to sleep with.
Me: No transformers in bed Justin, now go to sleep.
Justin: But mom, if you don't let me have my transformer, I'm going to be very sad. And you don't want me to be very sad do you? Cause...I might cry...
Me: Justin, if you don't go to sleep, i'm gonna be upset too, now please just go to sleep!

He continued arguing along those lines for another 10 minutes...if this is how things are at the age of 5, where will they be at 15? The battle continues.

Doing my part

The other day jas and i were at safeway when we saw a lil prius with the license plate "mypart." I find it ironic how many people sneer at the hummer and are horrified by our gas guzzling, people killing, environment harming beast when they have their supposed environmentally friendly, battery operated, nice to people tin can. As jas and i drove by, we laughed and wondered how naive the lil prius driver really is. Think about it...

For those who haven't noticed, when there is an accident involving an suv, the headline always states "SUV injures/kills/destroys" as if the car had its own mind and was an evil entity. True, when say a hummer goes up against certain other cars on the road, the hummer will win. Drive a mercedes sedan, they generally win too even though they aren't suvs...i think a person should praise cars that are safe, built well, and can withstand impact rather then blame them for the person driving the tin can that gets totaled at 5 mph.

As far as gas guzzling/environment killer goes, those driving hybrids need to rethink their ride. In the life of a hummer (approx 100,000 miles), it harms the environment less than a prius will in its life (approx 50,000 miles). Hybrids are run off of batteries, batteries are one of the most lethal things out there for the environment. The production of 1 battery for a car hurts the environment more than all the "gas guzzling" an suv does. Not to mention, the fact that most hybrids tend to have a shorter life span, you end up with more toxic dead batteries in land fills, and scrap metal/plastic etc at the junk yard. I could go on...i'll spare the blog...

Not saying my hummer is perfect, but i think those in their lil hybrid tin cans need to rethink how ecofriendly their ride truly is. For now, i'll stick with my ecofriendly, gas hogging (it actually doesnt have too bad gas mileage), small car killing beast. Just doin my part...

Some things dont go away

As much as my parents tried so hard to protect us kids when we were little, crap still happens. I have spent almost 18 years of my life smiling and covering up certain harsh realities of my life. I'm not one to play victim, but i also cant lie and say things that happened when i was young didn't royally f*** me up. Those who know what happened understand, those that don't...well..only ask if you truly want to know.

So here i am, 25 years old, and as happy as i am with my life, yet again scars get ripped open, memories flood my mind, and i consciously stop myself from breaking something for the umpteenth time in my life. im used to it by now, but it still happens, it doesn't go away. I look at the bad situations i was in during college and as horrific as they were, i cant say they should've been a surprise after all the other crap when i was lil. We are a conglomeration of our experiences, both good and bad. I think i can finally say i'm not a broken little girl anymore...still hurt, but not broken. Each time the past haunts, i learn, i'm stronger now. Soon the scars will close again, the pain and memories go back into their little box and i move on again...moving forward again until my guard gets worn down again and it breaks free...the story of my life...

There were no snakes!

I just read a really good book called "Patrick" by Stephen Lawhead. Now of course me being me, i like to read historical fiction, then go find the facts on the person/people behind the story. While there was definite artistic license, he did a good job of delving into the heart of Patrick i think. Short and sweet history: he was grandson to a bishop and considered himself pagan until he was captured and made a slave in Ireland at the age of 16. There he found God, escaped after 6 years, studied, prayed, became bishop, did wonderful things for the kingdom of God in Ireland etc etc.

Anyone Irish knows at least some of that story and anyone with half a brain i would think would figure the guy did something for the church considering how he is the patron saint of Ireland. So i wanna know why when u ask most people why we celebrate St Patty's day, they say its cause he drove the snakes outta Ireland? seriously, there were never snakes in Ireland. I understand there is talk of snakes being symbol of paganism and pelagianism, fin that makes interesting symbolism. But umm...there were no ...SNAKES. You dont become a patron saint for snakes. I find it sad that people are forgetting more and more of the history behind what we celebrate and create their own little happy stories. They look for any excuse to party, get drunk, or whatever else belittling the true meaning behind the holiday. If u dont want to believe in what St Patrick really did, fine, dont celebrate the holiday. Just dont say its cause of snakes!

Ok so its been a couple months...

Life happens...
I feel like i can see the end of the current insanity, its there, i can almost touch it! Maybe for the first time in 6 years my life can be closer to "normal." No deployments, no job crisis, no psycho people, no abnormal pregnancies...

I was talking to my mom the other day and she is amazed i'm still sane after the last few years and i realized how crazy it has been. 6 years ago i was being beaten, then that whole dropping outta school cause of justin coming, having premature baby, being single mom and thinking its gonna calm down after meeting jas. My bit of fresh air was a joke as he was deployed very quickly after we were married, dealing with that for 18 months while having julia and all that fun. We got to go straight from there to fun with ptsd and a few bad job/financial situations to straight into another deployment, not to mention the heatlh situations we have dealt with along the way. And to think there has been no break from one situation to another, in many cases a there was even overlapping. Maybe she's right, it is amazing im as sane as i am. I have been on edge for so many years i think i'll be ready for a breath of fresh air, for normal problems that normal families have...bring it on!

End of the deployments

The love of my life is officially home! Justin had spent a bunch of time making him a welcome home sign and waited by the gate, it was so cute! There is definitely a night and day difference in the kids with daddy home. Julia was actually singing and making my bed, it was so cute! Jason is happy to be home, but he's definitely not doing well. He wants to be with his guys, he wants to serve, he is scared of losing his military career. I wish i could help, but i know there is nothing i can say or do, he has to get through it on his own. He's been distracted all day and admits he's frequently on the verge of tears. I pray he finds his peace.

Send him home sir!

Its amazing how uncertain anything is in life. It's also amusing how so frequently we get a carrot on a stick dragging us along; "so close! almost got it! Gonna get it!" They were wanting to send jason home last week because of how messed up his ankle is now (its constantly the size of a football). Of course my husband being the noble and trusted soldier he is, argued with the major for an hour to change her mind and was told the physical therapist would look at him then they'd decide. My mind has been focused in on that Friday appt, hoping and praying they send jason home. I understand that jas didn't want to be the guy to possibly screw over his unit, but as each day passes, even he's wanting more to get it done with and come home. Friday came and went and no decision was made because the major is gone until Monday, so the carrot is still dangling in front of us. Will jas come home? One can only hope! The unit has already made the call to find a replacement, although they are pissed they might lose jas. Me being the selfish wife, i don't give a damn about what the unit thinks, bring my hubby home!

Blonde vs the machines

The story normally goes that when the guy is gone, the house falls apart and everything in the house breaks. That means that I wasn't exactly surprised then when I couldn't start the lawnmower. Now, I've started lawnmowers before, and mowed lawns a number of times, so I'm not an idiot right? I call up my dad to see if he has any thoughts and he asks the typical "got gas in it? you press the little pump button?" of course i answer yes and even check the oil, but still cant get the damn thing to start. My brother comes over, walks up to the lawnmower, and wouldnt you know it? it starts! "jenn, hold in the clutch!" oops, machines:01 blonde:00!

Now since I'm already on a roll, I'm also having problems with the car. For some reason it doesn't want to turn well, especially in reverse. It reminds me of when you have the e-brake on and it will move, but not well. So i make an appt with the hummer dealership and figured since i should get my oil changed soon i could get it all looked at, but its going to be Monday before i can take it in. By the time i come home this evening (given i drove maybe 40 or so miles all day, so not too bad) i notice that there are skid marks on the driveway. I got real concerned and called my neighbor to come watch as i backed up to see if any of the tires were not spinning. I start backing up for him and he follows the car and then looks over at me and asks, "umm, jenn, do you have it locked in 4wd?" I look over at it, and sure enough, it was locked in 4-high. Since its 4wd all the time, i never really need it in anything else, so i don't even think of checking to see if the kids messed with it. Funny, works fine now! Wore down the tires but barely and no other damage, damn I'm glad i own a hummer! Final score: machines:02 blonde:00!

And for my 2nd rant of the day...Greed doesnt pay

Love my brother to death, but his wife and i don't exactly see eye to eye all the time. A couple years ago they both quit their jobs, sold their house, moved in with my parents and took over the house when my parents moved, mooching off them. Now i will give them credit for now trying to pick themselves back up and everything, but one must be careful about getting too greedy. Again, like my last rant, more to the story, but we'll keep to the basics.

When my parents moved, their new house was furnished and with how busy they were, they didn't fully move out of their other house. My brother told everyone to take their stuff and as i was still in my apartment, i didn't have room to take everything. My parents didn't exactly get on the ball and so 1 1/2 years later my brother has thousands and thousands of dollars worth of furniture and stuff my parents never took. My mom and dad feel responsible that they didn't take everything right away, so they have let them keep it. I'll admit i was irked that they got to keep so much when no one else received anything. Had i known my rents weren't taking stuff, i would have, but whatever. A year ago i told my brother i wanted my standing mirror back and after getting a lecture on how i should have taken it earlier, they said they were now keeping it. After mentioning it every couple months and then again a couple weeks ago, I got fed up and today when i was over i took it out of their room (standing next to ANOTHER standing mirror) and brought it home. I end up with a phone call from my brother who was all upset that i took MY property back. Of all the stuff my parents have given them and all the bills my parents have paid of theirs, they tweak out over a damn $100 mirror that was already mine? whats wrong with this picture? Bri and tree, careful how greedy u get, cause that stuff is still mom and dad's, and they CAN take it back...

My boy is gone

Jas left early Thursday morning for Ft Dix. If I'm lucky, we'll get to meet up with him in Germany for a few days about 7-8 months from now if he gets leave, but not before then. I'm a wreck, the kids are a wreck, this is gonna be a hell of a long year. I know I'm gonna make it, but i honestly don't know how. I just want this to end, i want my husband home. I have so much i should be doing, yet i don't have the energy to do any of it. When i dropped justin off for his last day of school today, julia out of the blue just started sobbing and i couldn't calm her down all because she was missing her daddy, felt helpless knowing there was nothing i could do that would truly make it better. Even justin starts crying at times wanting his daddy. It's tough not being able to hear from jason even barely. i got a couple text messages and a phone call today and i know thats the most i will be hearing from him, if even that from here on out. All i can tell myself is that each day is a day closer to seeing him, however many days that may be. God keep my husband safe and move this deployment quickly. I'll make it, but cant promise any sanity will be left.

Lieutenant van Mourik?

Its been over a year now since i talked to the recruiters and took my ASVAB. Originally both the army and the navy offered me everything I could ask. Both offered me my brass, the navy offered me a job flying jets, and the army offered me military intelligence as a foreign interrogator. I know I've definitely been one to complain about the military, but its pretty much over stupid people, and you find those in any work environment. Those that have known me for many years know that it is something I've talked about doing for a long time, but have let myself get talked out of (primarily by my rents) over and over. And here I am years later still feeling the urge to do it.

A year ago it was so hard to tell SSG mccreery (my recruiter) that timing wasn't right, but that definitely didn't end the discussion between jas and I. It also wasn't the first time I had to walk away from a dream. I know I want my commission and I know I want military intelligence. I know there are a few things I need to do before making it happen, but I'm thinking that's what i want. It opens up so many doors to so many things for me. I love being a mom, i love my family, but I also have felt an urge to go make a difference and I feel this could do that. I won't lie and say I'm totally content with my life right now, cause I know I'm not. I feel that by the time jas gets back from this deployment, i will be ready. I don't know if i want active or national guard (kinda leaning towards going active) but I'm thinking this could be a wonderful thing even if it will cause world war 3 with my parents. Justin is going off to school and Julianna isn't far behind. I'm not one of those mom's that spends her life simply taking kids to soccer practice, reading chic magazines, and playing sally homemaker. Leaving college for Justin was one of the hardest things I had to do and I'm glad I did, but maybe it will be time for me to finally do something that puts me ahead.

My dog the goat

I have a curious problem with my dog, i think she's a goat. We had a problem when we first got her with her eating socks, and it has simply progressed past that. She no long simply finds dirty socks off the floor, she snags the clean ones. When socks aren't readily available, she will jump over our couch into our office and eat telephone wires, candy wrappers and the like. On the days she doesn't feel like raiding the office, she will settle for standing on her hind legs and seeing if there is anything good in the sink, stealing ziploc bags off the counter, eating the screen door, justin's legos, or magnets off the fridge. Most recently she even ate a small cotton bag. Now one would suggest i dont feed my dog enough, yet i feed her the max amount the breeder told me to, and she is so lazy, if i feed her much more she will be 150 lbs or more, thats MUCH dog! So what does one do with a dog that is a goat? I'm up for any suggestions...

Stupid people!

Time for one of those jenn rants we love right? I do a lot of accounting for an LLC my parents are involved in and only recently started making the paychecks, as the computer i use didnt have what i needed. Now as it was the end of the month, I sent their secretary an email about how i needed her timecard since i was in charge of it (she kept sending it to my mom and the CPA, but not me). After the month of may starting and hearing nothing, i finally received an email she sent to the partners and to me about how she was uncomfortable about my email, that she had no idea the cpa wasnt making her paycheck, etc. Now of course all the partners are out of town and the CPA is mia, so i decided to try to calmy deal with her and emailed her back informing her that i was sorry she didnt know, but yes, i have been the one making her paycheck for a few months. She curtly replied that she sees that yes i do have "access to april paychecks" and to send her my report blah blah blah. Now while i do have her total hours, i do not have her timecard and refuse to make her paycheck until i have it, im not stupid. Its not my fault she was too much of a dork to realize my name was on the return label on her paystubs. Of course i'm stuck with this dumbass of a secretary who i would've fired awhile ago for other asinine stunts and dealing with her paycheck that i refuse to cut until i have a timecard she wont send me. I originally was going to email her back, but there is already a little fire started and i would prefer to talk to the partners before making it bigger. I was already annoyed with her for questioning the partners regarding expenses on one of the yearly reports she got ahold of. none of her business! Oh well, not my problem she wont get paid until she gets the stick out of her ass and i get her timecard. I really dont care. Maybe thats why they have me dealing with their accounts....

Havent changed

You know you havent changed when you are buying paint at home depot and you get stopped by an employee who recognizes you from high school. Of course it had to be one of my finer moments where i looked like crap and for the life of me i had no idea who i was talking to for the first couple minutes. I'll admit though that i know the name from high school but thats about it and i would have to look up his picture to see what he looked like then. I must say its better than the times where someone starts talkin to me, they know me, they know my name, and i never do figure out who they are or where I knew them except for the fact that they obviously know me. Well, i may not know you, but at least i havent changed in 7 years and you still recognize me.

Where do they keep the ketchup then?

In the middle of my palm springs trip i got to fly out to maryland to go visit jason for a few days. I must say that Maryland has left quite the impression on me even and if by some act of God Jas manages to get the pentagon job, we are so moving to virginia, not maryland!

Take the freeways for instance, we had a grand ole time driving them and going around in circles because north doesnt necessarily mean north and east doesnt always mean east. We came to the conclusion that when they made the freeways, someone took a handful of cooked spaghetti and tossed it on the ground, then simply created the freeways how they spaghetti looked. When in doubt, we would look for an airport sign because at least by finding our way back to the airport we couldnt manage to find ft meade again.

People are ever so helpful over there too! I asked a handful of people what things there were to do in maryland and they looked at me clueless and all they could come up with was a couple of bars downtown. I dont think the people in baltimore even knew that the ocean existed or that there is indeed history on the east coast. There wonderful knowledge for where things are came in really handy when trying to go to a grocery store and find whip cream. Three grocery stores later, we finally discovered that they actually keep it next to the hot dogs because everyone just thinks whip cream when eating hot dogs or vis versa.

I could probably write a book on the excursions of my weekend in maryland, but i'll spare the long winded dissertation. In the end though, i must say that we had a great weekend that we will look back on and laugh at for years to come! Here's to you Maryland!

Never buy Chrysler!

At the beginning of February, Jason had called Chrysler to get info on returning our leased car. He told them that his first set of orders were not quite 90 days, but he is getting deployed long enough for SCRA to take effect. They assured him that it was ok and all he had to do was turn in the car, his orders, and the mileage. After doing all that, we have spent the last month going around and around with chrysler about the damn car as they say nothing has been taken care of etc, but they'll get right on it. Each person says they will make sure its all squared away etc, but nothing has happened.

So after calling 5+ times in the last 6 weeks, we call today and are informed that it has been rejected, we cant turn in the car because his orders are not 180 days regardless of the fact that they have the car, have a nice life. I finally end up talking to one of the managers of the account managers and he tells me that we were misinformed by all the previous people we talked to, tough luck, but if we get jas's unit to send them documentation that he will be gone indeed more than 180 days, they will start closing out the account. The catch is that not only will we owe mileage, but they will inspect the car AFTER they start closing out the account and we are liable for any damage found on it (even if it happened in the month its been sitting there), and we also owe them $200 for a disposal fee; basically grand totaling about $3500. Needless to say that after all the crap chrysler has put us through in the last month, im never buying from them again and we are going to have a nice lil chat with JAG in the next couple days. We have enough stress and junk we're dealing with in all this, didnt need another migraine headache cause of a car company that wants to make our life a living hell and wring out every dime we dont even have. Why is it that the "good ole american" companies are the ones that screw the soldier the worst? Pardon my french, but screw you chrysler!

Language Barriers

So Jason's oma (grandma) called today, which was random since it isnt a holiday or anything. And without Jason here, I couldnt simply hand the phone off to him. I always feel like such a dork when she calls because I have to muster up what little german I remember and there is a lot of "tut mir leid" and "was? was?" I feel horrible, cause had i kept up on my german from high school, conversations would be no problem. But as I havent, we dont have the opportunity to say much and she probably thinks me dim. I admit that there is a lot I want to say, a lot I could learn from her and want to know about Jason growing up etc, but the language barrier is uber frustrating! There is a part of me that always pictured being able to chit-chat with my husband's family about everything from traditions to how everything is now etc. I always thought it was cool that Jason's family is all back in Germany and really doesnt speak english, but umm....its causing a problem that means contact is extremely limited, which is a bummer. Oh well, time to start boning up on german again (ironically i've said that for 4 years and still havent). Oh well, we'll see how long before oma calls again.

"they're goin to hell"

Justin goes to a private christian preschool with many parents from our church. That means there is more than the fair share of "well-to-do" gossip hens etc. Jas and i bought a hummer back in february, and as it is jason's "car," he has put his fair share of bumper stickers on the back of it. One bumper sticker we have simply says "what would blackbeard do?" Not a surprise to anyone that knows us, cause we have a very piratey family. Of course living in a society where the WWJD saying became a mantra among many people in our area, we were not shocked when one of the mom's walked by, looked at the sticker, and her mouth dropped open with a look of horror on her face. Burst the bubble on one more lake oswego mom, our job is done.

Learned it doing time in leavenworth

My parents are currently at their la quinta house while their house here in west linn is having the stucco completely redone. That makes me the POC for the head contractor, as well as the person running their house and life here in west linn. Now my parents, being the smart people they are, gave me the keys from the garage to the house and left the other house keys...well...in the house. So of course i happen to get a phone call from the head contractor asking me to let him into the house, as they blew the breaker and cant get in to reset it, since the garage is on the same breaker. After informing him where the keys to the house are, he calls his locksmith buddy to pick the lock on the front door.

As luck would have it, he broke his lock picks and while everyone is standing there staring dumbfounded at the front door, I suggest the only logical option: use a bump key. After getting the "do you make a habit of breaking into peoples' houses" look, he decided to give it a try. Sadly to say, his attempt failed, and as i was already looking criminal enough, i wasnt going to stand their and lecture a certified locksmith on how he made the key wrong etc. He informed me that it was a wive's tale and they dont really work. Me and my big mouth had to spout out "well my husband makes them and they work just fine...errr umm...*coughs* you know, just on his padlocks *clears throat*" We finally got the lock picked and the police havent shown up asking questions, so i think it ended as an ok day. "and now children, for our next lesson we will learn how to hot wire cars.." errr umm...forget i said that...:P

A government agency incompetent? shocking!

It never ceases to amaze me the incompetence of government agencies! I finally managed to file my taxes only to have them kicked back and denied because they claimed Jason's birthdate was wrong. Lets see, Jason has assured me that he was born january 28, 1982, the german birth certificate filed 2/4/82 states the same birthdate, the german birth certificate filed in september the same year states the same date, and the german consulate report for birth abroad (his american version of a birth certificate) from august the same year also says 1/28/82. Now will so many "birth certificates" to choose from, wouldnt they have the date correct? So i call up the social security office this morning to see what on earth they are smoking. A few years ago they had claimed he was born in 1927, you would think they'd figure it out by now. The guy on the phone will NOT talk to me because i am not jason, doesnt matter that THEY screwed up the birthdate, that i have a power of attorney, or that jason is currently mobilized. They also wont let me go into the office with all the necessary documents to fix it, cause yet again, im not jason and they dont recognize poa. Jason during his short break between classes finally managed to get ahold of them and they informed him that his birthdate was 2/28/82, news to us! So for those of you who were wondering, apparently his mom did NOT give birth to him in january, cause the american government says so. And we wonder why social security has so many problems...

Once a yellow...

A couple years ago my parents discovered "the color code" and had the entire family take the test. Basically the idea behind it is that everyone has a core motive for why they do what they do and it can be broken into 4 different motives: reds are driven by power, blues by intimacy, whites by peace, and yellows by fun. Everyone has different percentages of each, but 1 color will come out on top. You take the test and answer it how reacted as a child, cause our motives never change, although our reactions later in life can alter based on circumstance. Needless to say, no one was totally shocked when i came up as 57% yellow. And i guess they're right, you may go through phases of your life where you are off, but in the end your motive doesnt change.

No one who knew me growing up would ever argue the fact that i was driven by fun! It caused serious problems along the way, but i had a good time, so it was all good. When i hit college though and started dating John, i was unrecognizable. He destroyed every aspect of me to the point that i didnt know who i was and i just wanted to crawl into a corner somewhere, and i did. When jas was deployed last time, it had been just over a year since i broke up with john, and i was still picking myself up. Needless to say, i was ok staying at home, playing computer, reading, whatever. Now we fastforward a couple years; the jenn is back. Yeah, im more mellow than i was, but apparently the yellow cant stay away forever, which leads to the nightmare of a time im having with jas gone now. I dont like being alone, i cant stay at home, im driving myself batty with missing him. I'm definitely NOT having fun, this sucks! Its a good thing i guess that i'm back, bad being me and being alone...Anyone up for karaoke?

Blink of an eye

After years of "talking" about it, i finally went in and got my first (probably also the last) tattoo which now graces my lower back. After sitting on a chair hunched over while someone jabbed needles in my spine, poof, a permanent change came into my life. We come across so many points in our life where one decision changes a part of your life forever. Sometimes its you speaking up and doing something (the tattoo for instance) and sometimes its you shutting up and not doing or saying anything(what led to me becoming a single mom instead of graduating college). I admit i am horrid about regularly perusing my life and seeing those crossroads and those decisions/lack of decisions that have led me to where i am today. Some of them i look at and smile (the day i met jason) and sometimes i shudder (insert dumb jenn thing here). So far the good and the bad have led me here: a very happily married mom in west linn. And now i look at myself in one of those very places i know im gonna look back on and smile or shudder all because of a phone call...
First of, one ask to ask themself what they are willing to sacrifice to keep their family safe. Well my answer is "many things!" Long story short, Jas had a phone call saturday that ended in a reassignment offer at the pentagon. Talk about a once in a lifetime opportunity! So i find myself looking at this crossroad that i may or may not have any decision which road we go down. 2 very different routes that we, once again, get to see what the military decides for us. Does jas go to maryland, then off to do the 50 calibur boogie in iraq? or does he go to maryland and head for the pentagon to further his career and we relocate the family? Where is jenn gonna be in the next 6 years? I know i wont be expecting it, cause i sure as heck wouldnt have guessed 6 years ago that i would be married, let alone have kids and a mortgage etc...

If they wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one

So it looks like jason is leaving in less than 2 weeks. in less than 2 weeks the army is taking my husband away from me, taking him away from our kids, our life. And what for? so he can report the news back to our country and the dumbass american media who gets it wrong anyway. If u think about it, jas is going to be getting shot and possibly blown up so that some jackass newscaster here can twist the footage and news that he spillt his blood for to boost ratings. I know, i know, its probably not going to be that bad, but prepare for the worst, hope for the best right? I've got a 4-5 months where he is stateside before i even have to worry bout it at least. Thats tough, knowing your husband is in the same country, u can call him, yet you cant see him, cant touch him, but he's safe for awhile. Welcome to the army, hurry up and wait. I'll admit the last deployment pushed me to the point i felt like i was going to break. I'll give some of the credit to pregnancy hormones, i guess they mess ya up huh? He was safe then though, he wasnt anywhere near fighting, he just sat in a tower, read, played games, and was bored. This time he starts in danger and follows it, goes to where news is, that definitely doesnt help me sleep.
I'll be honest with myself, there is the chance of him coming home in a body bag, we've talked about it. What scares the snot outta me, is that he's prepared himself for that, he's ok if God calls him back. I'm proud of him for that, i really am, i admire him, but i fight tears as i ask myself if he's prepared and ready cause something WILL happen to him? Its a situation i never want to have to think about or deal with, i couldnt do it, i couldnt handle it. We are tapping what connections we've got to try to keep him home, i am way to uneasy this time around. Jas was supposed to be done with the military last month, we were supposed to have our lives back, i pray we can get it back! Can i just skip this part of my life?

Finally broke down and made one

After numerous notebooks and loose sheets of paper scrawled with my thoughts over the years, might as well just put them in one place. The curse of the jenn: too many thoughts running around my head at once and they dont quiet down. Let the blogging begin...