December

Its December 1st. Jaret would be due in a couple weeks, which means he would've probably been here by now. I keep telling myself that if i can make it through December I'll be ok. Well, its December, we'll see how I do. Seeing my sister doesn't help. I just found out she's pregnant. I'm happy for her, i really am. Its hard to see her though, especially right now. I know the pain gets better, I feel on days that it has. Still there though. There are still days like today where the tears still come quite a bit.

A couple years ago I heard Rick Warren say something that stuck to me. He said that if you ask a person what life means to them, it really gives you a window into that person. I couldn't agree more. I've taken that with me ever since and really thought about it, asking people what life is to them. A few months ago I would've said life is an adventure. Definitely never a dull moment in my life. What has life been to me the last few months? Life is fragile.

Don't catch the sword!

Ya know when u do really stupid things that when the pain subsides, all u can do is laugh at yourself? Yeah, that was me today. I work at a cutlery shop part time to get away from the kids. I like the fact that i get paid to play with sharp pointy things. The very first day i started i was warned, "u WILL cut yourself at some point, just hope its not one of the worse ones." I was talkin with my boss last week at how i hadn't cut myself yet after working four a couple months...shoulda knocked on some wood there...

Today, I was putting a sword away that was hangin vertical and me being the genius that i am, went to grab the dang thing when it started to fall. Of course the edge of the blade took a nice chunk out inside of my thumb by the webbing. lots of fun blood and i now have nice big bloody gash wrapped up and im too stubborn to go to the hospital to get stitches. Guess thats one way of getting outta work early. I think i can officially but this incident up there with jas using his kabar as a hammer. Just remember...let a falling sword fall!

Road to suspension and worse...

If one were to look at my blog over the last few months, you would think my life is doom and gloom and maybe i'm being too pessimistic. Maybe I am. My life isn't always like this...it was doing pretty damn good for awhile. Wondering what happened to that...

I was at the dentist the other day and as he was commiserating with me, he made the comment of "well, at least it couldn't get any worse." I went pale and informed him that i had said that a month and a half ago...and well umm...yeah...it got worse.

I actually just got home from the principal's office about an hour ago, my son got in trouble...again. Justin has NEVER had any problems in school other than being bored. He gets along great with all the other kids, has a bunch of friends, everyone loves him, that kinda stuff. About 3 weeks ago he started fighting with a couple boys who "used to be his friends" and things have been escalating from there. I think the principal visits are up to about 6 now. Last week he was suspended from school after supposedly mentioning bringing a gun to school and had to have a "safety evaluation" by a child psychologist to prove he was not dangerous. Big surprise, the psychologist said he's a normal 6 year old boy and Justin was allowed back in school Friday. Each fight is with the same kids and regardless of how often they try to separate them, Justin is still throwing punches and getting hauled to the office. I'm at my wits end with him because this is not what he's like out of school, this is new ground for me. So now I have a delinquent child that likes to get in trouble. This keeps up he will probably be switched outta his class or worse....Make it stop? I'm done...

"...More than you can handle"

We all know the saying "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" but i'm really not feelin that one right now, cause i cant handle the current situation let alone anything more and it seems crap keeps piling higher and higher. Lets look at the abbreviated list:
*Fighting the army for Jas's MMRB: i can handle that regardless of all the bs that they keep pulling.
*The rollercoaster of financial and family crap: we can handle that.
*Jaret dying: that's putting things to the edge.
*Back in the hospital again a month later: ok, now i'm getting closer to snapping.
*GMAC going back on their word, deciding they want to just tow the hummer and sue us: ok, now over the edge...

And to think thats the seriously abbreviated list! Any couple of those together, fine, bring it on! Ummm...did i mention i can't take any more? Startin to get the feelin God kinda hates me right now... If even one of those i didn't have to deal with, i could still feel some semblance of hope, but it aint there currently. Adios! Ciao! Auf Weidersehen! I'm done!

Hospitals Part 2

I'm officially done with hospitals for the next 10 years, i swear! Friday I ended up back at the hospital under the knife to fix a hernia(yeah i know, something you dont see in a girl). Apparently I actually had 2, of which one was quite large. So i have had the joy of being on my back for a week now with a 6" gash in my lower abdomen, oh joy! My mind is now long gone and any hope I previously had of finding it is also gone. For the last week my days have been spent watching episode after episode of red dwarf, popping vicodin, and drinking sprite trying to keep my mind off both pain and Jaret. As far as pain goes, I hope to fully be on my feet again in another week or so, we'll see. As to losing Jaret...i've come to terms with myself that I'm gonna be a mess for a long time, he's not coming back, someday i'll see him again, the pain wont ever go away, but i know eventually things will get better. Up until being stuck on the couch again, I've been glad school started and i'm getting busy again, cause it keeps my mind from dwelling. Back to the couch, I can only sit up so long...ugh...

2 weeks

So its been two weeks. Two weeks ago today I was extremely sick and my precious baby boy had died. It feels like yesterday, yet like we've been dealing with Jaret's death for a long time. Physically I'm still recovering from having a baby and being so sick, but each day I get a little better and my body will eventually heal up. I won't lie and say that I'm not still a mess emotionally and spiritually though. I know that aspect of what happened I will never fully heal from. I have my good days and bad days. Currently even on my good days I still find myself in tears at times. OR health dept was shocked when they got the call from the hospital. Apparently Jaret is the first listeria death in Oregon in the 10 years they have been investigating and recording it. I spent a bit of time jealous of the couple cases of pregnant women they've had, who recovered along with their babies. Someone i know apparently lost her mother-in-law to listeria a couple years ago back east. She got really sick and within 48 hours was gone. My family is still so thankful I made it, although I'll admit I'm not as ecstatic as they are about that fact. God took my baby and kicked me back. I would never think twice about giving my life for my child. I've at least had a life to live, Jaret hadn't even had a glimpse of his life. More than one person has told me that I'm doing extremely well, all things considered. I don't think I'm so sure about that. I keep searching for the light at the end of the tunnel and it definitely aint there. Ironically I'm not angry at anyone. I'm not angry at the doctors, not myself, heck, not even God. That was a very short-lived stage. I almost kinda wish i was though, because then i'd at least have some part of me with fight left in it. I know I will and have to move on. I'm working on it. We will probably have another baby sooner than later, yet no one could ever take Jaret's place. I realized that waiting a long time on that end won't help the hurt at all, it won't bring him back. Life moves on right? In the words of the late Bradon Lee, "It can't rain all the time."

What I Now Know

I got a phone call from the doctor Thursday and we found out what happened. I apparently had contracted a deadly bacteria called listeria. Jaret didn't even have a chance once i got it and had i not been hospitalized when I was, I wouldn't be here either. Its extremely rare and you get it from food, whether it be lunch meat, or veggies even. What happens so frequently is that doctors cant make sense of what you have and think its a really bad case of the flu and when they figure it out, its too late. By the time i ended up in the hospital, it had already hit my nervous system and my body had already started to shut down. The dr and nurses knew they were fighting to keep me, but they were terrified cause at the time they didn't know what they were fighting. I hadn't half a clue what was going on because they had me so pumped full of morphine on top of everything else and all i could think about what losing Jaret.

You never think when you are sitting down to lunch that what you are eating is going to kill your baby and possibly you. The department of health has gotten involved due to how rare listeria is and is investigating and started calling me. Of all the doctors at the clinic and all the years some of them have been practicing, not one of them has EVER seen a case. My dr knows of one dr who has seen a case in California. Life is precious and life is fragile. My baby boy was perfect and healthy and in the blink of an eye sickness took him and tried to take me. I was so careful this pregnancy, i was paranoid with what i ate. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter how careful you are, you can never be sure of anything. I miss my baby boy.

Our Tragedy

It's amazing how fast your life can change, just the blink of an eye. One week ago today I was sick, fighting an unusually high fever, feeling crummy, but things were still ok. Last Thursday I even went into the dr and little Jaret had a nice solid heart beat, everything was still fine other than me being sick. Saturday I'm still fighting the fever and go into the hospital all concerned because I hadn't felt him since the day before. He was gone...in the blink of an eye, gone. Saturday night Jaret Michael was born at 1 lb 4 oz and 11.5" but there were only tears of grief. He was so beautiful and perfect! Jas and I spent time with him before they took him away. Everyone is shocked, no one, not even the dr knows what happened. No one knows why my little boy died. When all the tests are in and all is said and done, we may never know.

I've cried more tears than i knew i had, yet still find tears surfacing at random times. Jason is heartbroken, but handling things as best he can. Julia keeps asking when the baby will be back from heaven and Justin has shed his tears and tried to put his mind around the why to it all. Jaret is in a better place though. He never had to endure the evil, the pain, the suffering of this world. Someday i'll get to hold my little boy again. Until that day, I miss him...my heart has a hole in it.

The Results are in!

I swear I'm done ranting and raving for awhile, onto happier things...

I officially had "the big ultrasound" yesterday. When I took a vote beforehand, it was close, but the majority of people guessed it was a boy and majority won (yes, jas, the dr, and i were in that group). Baby bug was his very active little self as usual, but managed to stop and pose for the camera to show off his goods proudly. When justin saw, he let out a big sigh of relief but julia's lip got all pouty and she got mad. It took daddy convincing her that she gets to keep on being daddy's only princess and not have to share that for her to realize a lil brother wasn't such a bad thing.

Everything is all perfect and healthy with him, so thats always a good sign. He weighs almost 11 oz, so he's definitely not on the small side at the moment. It was really cool to see the 3d ultrasound for the first time in action as his top picture shows. I figured to post one of the "im a boy" pics as well. Its looking at him from underneath, so its a lovely butt shot showin off the goods. When i go in next month, we're going to set up an induction date so that he'll be home and settled well before christmas just in case he decides not to come all early like his brother or sister. So thats the latest quick news on the newest addition. Boys are now going to outnumber the girls, oy!

Vote Donald Duck!

I don't think i'm nearly alone when it comes to being annoyed by the upcoming election. If people thought they were voting for the lesser of two evils last election, what to do you call this one? I have never been so anti-voting in my life. Considering how it seems any candidate one votes for is essentially throwing away their vote, why not at least throw it away to someone with a better moral code...like donald duck.

This year I have made the decision that instead of not voting like so many i know, I am simply writing donald duck in on my ballot. Just imagine if more people picked up on the idea of voting for donald duck:

Election day comes around, everyone is huddled in front of their tvs, the first polls start to come in, and out of nowhere Donald Duck has received 1% of the votes. Not that donald could/would get elected, but what does it say when the American public is so fed up with our politicians that we're willing to write in a cartoon character over voting one of the choices. So I encourage my fellow Americans...VOTE DONALD DUCK!

Baby Bug's First Picture

So today i finally made it to my first dr appt at week 11. Had a nice little chat with my dr and both Jas & I got to see our baby for the first time. The moment the baby popped up on the screen you could tell that either it was definitely my child, or someone had given the kid one too many pixy stix. The dr started laughing, saying rarely does she see such an active baby during ultrasound. The baby was spinning somersaults, kickin its feet, and moving its arms all over. Fun baby to watch! I almost brought out the popcorn. I must also say its a lot cuter than my lil widget shows it to be, hehe. So its official and confirmed, there is only one baby and its active and healthy. Dr says the official due date is actually dec 19th, but considering my history with my babies, she doubts i will make it nearly that long. We'll see.

Btw, for those that wonder about the bug reference, thats the name jas has given the baby since i've been so sick. So without further ado, i give you baby bug's first picture:

Sounded like a good idea at the time...

Those who have had kids before will understand this one. You have your beautiful little angels at home, life is pleasant and happy, and then you figure that since the first 2 turned out so great, wouldn't it be a great idea to have another baby? You talk about it, get excited, then a few weeks later you get a pink line and have officially passed the point of no return. You now are spending most of most of your day with your head in the toilet, eating crackers & preggie pops, can't focus or stay awake, and are asking yourself why on earth you are willingly putting yourself through this again. Call it a blessing or a curse, God thought it would be a great idea for women to forget the evils of the 1st trimester so they would have more kids. All I can do is remind myself that it does get better, morning/all-day sickness is a good and healthy sign, and the reward is well worth it. I bet jas is asking himself the same question i keep asking, "Is it the second trimester yet?"

Time to place your bets.

As you can see by the latest widget i added, we're having a baby! Jas and I are totally pumped! He's convinced we're having a boy though, cause apparently i'm really mean, go figure. Its now time to place bets...boy/girl and when is this baby actually gonna show up!